Stolen Youth

Every time my father visits, he brings with him negativity and strife. For twenty-five years of my life I have largely bad memories of this man from my childhood. No matter what I do, Dad will never accept me as his daughter or give me his approval.

He recently complained to me about how miserable my husband and I make him, how I'm pushing him to the point of relapsing after 15 years of recovery, and a host of other things.

He never accepts responsibility for his own behavior. He came to see us shortly after divorcing his second wife and brought his ass with him. My step mother got tired of his cheating ways and felt it best they go their separate ways. He has since made my life a living nightmare by making crude, insulting statements and then acting pitifully by claiming he has a sudden urge to commit suicide.

A little background: My mother divorced him when I was 13 years old. He treated her worse than he did us. He remarried shortly after, and things essentially became worse from that point on. He and his new wife went on a rampage to ruin our mother's connection with me, my brothers, and I. Even more enraged than before, my dad was now supported by someone who acknowledged his validity. Even more of a monster was stepmom.

They were constantly screaming. It was all our fault. We did everything wrong, and they were saints. It was a really difficult and perplexing moment. I often wondered if I was being mistreated or if I was just a bad kid. I gave my siblings the greatest care I could, but all I wanted to do was leave.

Between the five of us (three girls and one boy), we battled eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, bouts of depression, anxiety, and PTSD. We also spent endless hours in counseling and had frequent hospitalizations for self-harm. They are aware that they must act civilly around us now that we are fully grown and capable adults. They claim to still want a connection with us, but they continue to be easily offended and oblivious to their own shortcomings.

I can only tolerate my father in small doses because of the ongoing trauma and hurt he caused me as a child. Spending more time with him than a few hours results in his making derogatory comments to my mother and my siblings, as well as a host of other nasty things.

Really, truly, I can't handle it any longer. My spouse advises me to advocate for myself because he has no emotional connection to my father and despises the way he treats me with contempt. Even though he even volunteered, I told him not to speak up or say anything. I must take action because it is a problem of mine.

My husband's father is extremely sweet, and I'm envious of him. Instead of my own dad, I wish I had grown up with someone like him. When things go wrong, his father doesn't lose his temper because he loves his wife and kids and wants to spend time simply being with them. Why wasn't my father this way? If only my father had loved me that much, I would sacrifice anything for him. Why on earth would you have five kids if all you were going to do was yell at them? I simply don't see how you could intentionally give that much suffering to someone else, much less five of your own children.

Up until approximately a year ago, I was incredibly angry. I am only now. It hurts so much because I feel as though my father was stolen from me. He continues to tell me that he wants to be in a relationship, and I desperately want to be in a father-daughter relationship with him, but he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did and hasn't changed. Why is he so blind?

I wanted to stop burdening my mother and spouse with these problems, so I needed to vent to someone else.

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